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Kissing Shield

US Patent Issued In 1998

Here it is folks, hot off the presses. If you enjoy kisses but are afraid of the idea of getting a disease, then the Kissing Shield is a "must have" item. This germ barrier consists of a thin latex橡浆 ['letεks – xiàngjiāng]membrane artfully stretched over an attractive and romantic heart shaped frame.

The inventor states the shield is for kissing the intended recipient of the user’s affection and is also useful for politicians when kissing babies. Hey, they got our vote. http://totallyabsurd.com/kissingshield.htm

Indoor Sundial

INDOOR SUNDIAL

This device allows you to use a sundial even when the sun isn't shining. The accurate clock motor keeps lamp in rotation around the dial just like the sun. Correct orientation is accomplished by free-turning design of the lamp bracket rotor. This unique timepiece blends ancient world charm with antiquated nineteenth century technology. Uses regular household current and voltage. Weight=800 lbs.

WRIST MODEL

For those on the go, this special scaled-down wrist model is just the ticket. Based on the same principle as its larger cousin, this version is much lighter and runs on a small computer battery hidden under the dial surface.

Butt Cleavage Pants

There was a time when butt cleavage was the trademark of a good plumber. Or was that a bad plumber? Or maybe just a badly dressed plumber. Well, while we sort out our BC confusion, let us introduce you to a fashion statement that has yet to crack the market, the Butt Cleavage Pants! Yes, you heard us right, pants with cutouts in the rear to show off your rear. http://totallyabsurd.com/buttcleavagepants.htm

US Patent Issued In 2002

Double Tin Horn

This special head attachment allows for hands-free double tin horn usage. Superior to hand held models, this passive audio device provides wider signal reception as well as directional variability. Unit is completely self-powered and wax resistant. Not recommended for children or adults. Should not be worn in buildings with low ceilings. May attract lightening and/or unwanted verbal abuse.

INVISIBLE HOUSE

Above: invisible house in use.


Think of how great it would be if you could just flick a switch and your house would become invisible. Now you can! Avoid solicitors, confuse unwanted guests, and never paint your house again. Be the first on your block to have an invisible house.

The principle is simple:

A matrix of large flat screen televisions, or monitors, covers the front of the house. Each flat screen monitor is connected to a video camera. Each camera is mounted on the rear interior wall of the house, facing outward through a small opening. This forms the "video array" ( Refer to fig. 1a ).

Signals from the "video array" are sent to the flat screen monitors. An image of the backyard is thus displayed on the monitors, making the house invisible to anyone viewing it from the front (refer to fig. 1b).

Fine tuning is the key to good invisibility. Each monitor must have accurate color balance and synchronization. As well, each camera must be color balanced, synchronized, and aimed correctly.

Note:
People who live in invisible houses should not throw stones!

http://members.toast.net/saddletrout/attic.html

Body Catcher

US Patent Issued In 1913

If you lived in San Francisco in 1913, the big earthquake of 1906 was still fresh in your mind. Most of San Francisco was destroyed, not by the earthquake, but by the fires that followed. The earthquake broke all of the water pipes and debris filled the streets so it was impossible to fight the hundreds of fires that were fed by broken gas lines. Fire escapes, which are mandatory on modern buildings, didn't exist back then, so your only way out of a burning building was down the stairs (which may be on fire) or jumping.

The fire departments did have big mesh nets that the firefighters would use to catch jumpers but it required 4-8 firefighters holding the net and they were needed to fight the fire. So our ingenious San Francisco inventor came up with a portable mechanized solution, the truck mounted Body Catcher! http://totallyabsurd.com/bodycatcher.htm